Tom Cruise: Not Gay, Just Alien Friendly

As a devout and practicing Scientologist, Tom recognizes that aliens are all around us, and in some cases (1 in ten males), need to be in us.

"We all know there's nothing an alien likes to do more than probe. And there's no one who's been probed more than Mr. Cruise," says superagent Sydney Blumenthal.

Other sources close to Cruise explained aliens come in all shapes and sizes, from slim fit all the way up to magnum. The fact that many of them take the form of deliciously handsome, chiseled young men does not make Mr. Cruise a homosexual. It simply makes him a man who never says no to a close encounter.

According to sources, Tom has paid his way up the Scientology food chain to the Thetan level. This essentially means he can have robust intercourse with aliens at any time.

How this affects Katie Holmes, no one is sure. Scientologists remain tightlipped about her status in the church. All that is clear is that aliens know what they like and she ain't it.

Telig Severnsen, a high-ranking Scientologist himself, explains "People have to understand that like humans, over time alien tastes have changed. They used to like to pick up the lone guy in a pickup on a country road, but those days are long over…Now they've acquired a taste for celebrities, athletes and hot guys at bars."

Aliens no longer have to resort to abduction. Now, it’s all about seduction.

Yet for the followers of Xenu, like Tom Cruise, it’s still difficult to come out publicly and discuss their close encounters with aliens, let alone go out to a nice dinner and a movie. Many still meet secretively for passionate rendezvous on weekends in Area 51 or on one of John Travolta’s many private jets.

The only place they dare walk hand-in-hand in public – The Burning Man Festival.

Many Scientologists feel it’s simply a matter of time though, before Americans come to terms with this new, forbidden love. Taboos are meant to be broken, aren’t they?

And many predict before long, it won’t be unusual for ET to phone home – your home – for a late night booty call.