Tom Cruise Saves Man Struggling on Toilet Seat

Tom Cruise is a Scientologist, and as such, he must help those in need. Be it a victim of a car accident, a person drowning, or in the case of John Marsbury – a simple man, trying to pass an enormous turd.

It happened at Heathrow Airport. John was in the very last stall, sweating profusely and dangerously constipated. He had already read two magazines and was now reaching the point of exhaustion. His mouth was parched and he was suffering the effects of dehydration.

He rallied his spirits and screamed one last time, giving a final push, hoping he would hear that familiar splash and feel that glorious sense of relief. But alas, there was nothing.

Nothing, until he heard a knock on the door.

From within his stall, John then heard a familiar voice, which he knew could only be Tom Cruise.

Tom said, “Don’t be alarmed. I am here to help. Can I come in?”

John sighed and assented, welcoming any help during this marathon crap.

Tom joined him, grabbed his hands and said, “I’m here now and we’re going to get through this together.”

John nearly cried. He had almost given up.

Tom started by slowly describing to John how he had coached Katie through the perfect “silent birth”, which is a birthing practice within the church, wherein everyone is as quiet and calm as possible for the well-being of the mother and baby.

Tom surmised that the very same techniques could be used on a stubborn turd.

So the two men quietly held hands and Tom coaxed that turd out of John’s bottom, as only a Scientologist can, using the techniques given to him by L. Ron Hubbard.

For John, it was a glorious event and he believes he could have never have gotten through it without the help of Tom Cruise.

“It was a selfless gesture…Tom is amazing. He even gave me his bottled water so I could hydrate after my ordeal. I am eternally grateful,” said a teary eyed John.