Dick Cheney’s Resolutions for 2008

The Fug recently obtained the list of the Dick’s New Year’s resolutions from an undisclosed source at his undisclosed location. This is highly classified material, which is being made public for the very first time.

We publish this at great risk. The chance of a secret rendition or a free trip to Gitmo is always a possibility.

In 2008, the Dick plans to not only work on his personality, which has endeared itself to millions, but also hopes to brings more positive change to the world, as well as the administration.

Here’s his list for 2008:

1. Sneer more

2. Use puppet government to bring more democracy to Iraq

3. Drink more milk

4. Snatch child from lesbian daughter Mary and have it raised by that man in Brazil with the striking blue eyes

5. Add Nixon to Mt. Rushmore - He was another deeply misunderstood Dick

6. Officially make "liberal" a four letter word

7. Convince Bush Jesus wants him to nuke Iran

8. Replace heart

9. Tell more people to “fuck off”

10. Invite Rumsfeld over for a special night of Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music