Five Festive Ways to Off Yourself This Christmas

The holidays are a stressful time. Annoying in-laws, buying presents for people you don’t like, decorating the house – it can lead anyone straight into a deep depression.

That’s why so many people die or commit suicide around December.

So in the interest of helping our dear readers cope and manage the stress in a truly creative and festive way, we’ve put together a list of the top five ways to commit suicide this holiday.

1. While hanging Christmas lights on the roof, secure one end to the chimney and wrap the other end tightly around your neck. This makes a festive, holiday noose that’s perfect for hanging. Say “ho, ho, ho,” as you take your final plunge.

2. Buy the absolute cheapest Santa costume you can find, the one’s from China are the best since they are highly flammable. As your family gathers in the living room, sit a little too close to the roaring flames of the fire. As you ignite, scream “Merry Christmas”.

Your family will be amazed because they will finally get to see Santa go up the chimney – in smoke!

3. This is for those of you in those cold, snowy states. Drink a fifth of your favorite alcohol to enliven your holiday spirits. Go to your town’s largest nativity scene late at night, strip naked and quietly pass out in the bed of Baby Jesus. Let Mother Nature and the alcohol, which causes you to lose body heat faster, do the rest.

By morning you should be a human popsicle and very, very dead!

4. If you’re lucky enough to have a second floor, here’s one for you. Set up the tree, decorate it and then hurl yourself off the second floor landing and swan dive perfectly so that you impale yourself on the Christmas Tree.

What better ornament could anyone imagine atop a tree?

5. And finally for those of you with a sense of surprise and a flair for the dramatic. Find a gift box the size of a casket. Place it way in the back of the tree behind all the other gifts. On the night before Christmas, swallow an entire bottle of sleeping pills, slide into the box and close the lid and place a plastic bag around your head just as you start to black out.

This is truly a present no one will ever forget!

We hope this makes your holiday so much merrier…and think, next year, you won’t even have to deal with Christmas.

Happy Holidays!