Walmart Recalls Jesus

The Talking Jesus Messenger of Faith doll, which recently sold out at Walmart stores across the country, is currently being recalled for a number of strange incidents.

It seems that the plastic Son of God does more than just talk.

In Plano, Texas the little Jesus successfully turned drinking water into wine. Unfortunately, he did so for a group of underage 17 year olds. Little Jesus, it seems, doesn’t recognize our drinking laws.

Authorities weren’t amused.

In Moline, Illinois the doll reportedly convinced a man to sacrifice his eldest child. The accused man, Mike Galloway, claims the doll spoke to him and asked him to make the ultimate sacrifice for the Lord.

Luckily authorities were tipped off in the nick of time and were able to rescue the small child before the father was able to carry out his plan.

Authorities have tried to make the Jesus doll speak, using a number of techniques, including pulling the doll’s string repeatedly, but have gotten nothing out of him.

The final incident occurred in Birmingham, Alabama at the home of Lamont Brewster. During the course of a normal Sunday evening meal, the family dog tracked mud all over the house and barked for an hour at stunned family members who sat mute around the dinner table.

Nothing particularly amazing, until one considers the fact that the family dog had been dead and buried in the home’s backyard for well over two weeks.

Lamont can only blame the dog’s sudden reanimation and resurrection on the recent purchase of the mini Jesus for his son.

“It freaked us all out. We said goodbye to that dog a couple of weeks ago and here he was up and about, barking at us. The dog didn’t stop barking until we threw him the Jesus doll. He’s been chewing on it ever since,” sighs Lamont.

Walmart plans to refund the doll in full. Contact your local store.