The 7 Phases of Coping With Any Holiday Office Party

Much like grief, there are 7 distinct phases most people go through every year when faced with the mandatory Holiday Office Party.

There is no right and wrong, all these feelings are completely normal and not at all shameful.

Shock is the first stage. You simply can’t believe the cheap bastards in charge just don’t give you a couple extra Ben Franklins and a nice card. Spending your hard-earned free time with them seems criminal.

Anger quickly follows and is inflamed as your department manager sends out an email announcing that bonuses will be substantially reduced this year. Lackluster performance, servicing debt, blah blah blah.

Acceptance is attained once you’ve worked out your anger by screaming and pounding the bathroom stall in which you have all your best meetings and you come to terms with the fact that you must show up and make an appearance.

Gluttony is a manifestation of you trying to extract as much money out of the company as possible, by eating every single item on the long buffet tables at least twice.

Drunkenness soon follows, since you need to wash down all those mini-quiches and unidentifiable hors d’oeuvres that have left a god-awful taste in your mouth. Vodka is the perfect mouthwash and the six martinis you consume make you feel fresh and invigorated.

Lechery results from not having the sense to pass out once the alcohol takes control. Instead, you sit in a chair and scream out in graphic, lurid detail all the unspeakable acts you’d like to perform on every female that happens to walk past.

Unemployment is the last phase and usually comes the next day in the office. You may not even remember the gross missteps you made during the course of the party, which may include lifting the skirt of a coworker, peeing on the ice sculpture of your company logo, or making masturbatory gestures at the Vice President.

But if it’s any consolation, as you clear out your cubicle and receive an escort out the door, remember that everybody goes through this and you are completely normal.

Ultimately, understanding all 7 phases will help you move on, find a new job and prepare for next year’s Holiday Office Party.

Happy Holidays!